From Broken to Able
I needed to write this out tonight now that my boys are in bed. All four of them! How am I so blessed to have so many sweet boys? I love them all so much. I wish I could spend every moment with them. But, I can't. I feel the pull. I feel the emotional struggle in me and in my two oldest boys for sure. And, honestly, in my twin babies too. This adjustment from two boys to four is no joke!
I'm fighting to show them all how much I love them and I feel like I fail every day. I want so badly for all the gaps to be filled. For them not to notice that there's less of my time and less of me to go around. But, they notice. Today, my three year old napped on the couch while I nursed the twins. He had just asked me to snuggle him. He needed and wanted my touch, my love, and, I was unable to give it. He fell asleep waiting for me. It broke my heart to know he missed me and there was nothing I could do.
A little later my oldest said to me, "Remember how it's hard having two babies Mommy? I'm trying. Do you want to see this? Can you come with me a minute?" My heart broke again. This time, I was able. So I looked him in the eye, cupped his face in my hands and kissed that sweet face. Then answered, "Sure, what do you want to show me?" His small hand slipped into mine and I realized how very little this grown up 4 (almost 5) year old still is. He still needs and wants his MaMa. He simply wanted to show me which DVD he would like to watch, and offered that I could start it and then I would be able to get some work done. (I didn't jump into work right away. I sat with him for a few minutes first.)
At bedtime, I was so very thankful that I had help. The twins kept fussing and needed burped and nursed a lot. I kept hearing their cries, and I KNEW they were in fully capable hands, but I also knew they needed to nurse again. So, I told the older two that I needed to go and take care of them and didn't have time for a long snuggle tonight. (Next time, I will snuggle them first. Because they will remember this and the twins won't.) My oldest said, "I'm sorry I took too long getting ready so we couldn't snuggle." My heart broke again. He thinks it's his fault that I don't have time. He's trying so hard. I see him. I see how hard he tries. He just wants to tell me about his day. And, he feels like it's his fault that I can't do that. My three year old, simply asks in a longing voice, "Why I can't get a snuggle Mommy?" My heart broke again. He still just wants his MaMa's love and touch. And, once again, I was not able to give it to him.
I WILL figure this out. We WILL make it through this. And, they WILL know they are loved. I'm not going to stay here in this broken hearted place over not being able to be in so many places at once. I'm going to look at how the day went, beg God for His wisdom, grace and strength for tomorrow, thank Him for these 4 precious gifts, and set in place a plan that will empower me to do just a little bit better tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to start by getting up and telling my boys how much I love them. Then, I am going to look them in the eye, and tell them that I am sorry I missed out on so many snuggles, and time with them yesterday and for so many days before that. Then, I am going to let them know that I want to have special time with them each day. Sometimes, the best I can do is to humble myself, say I am sorry, and ask for a fresh start. I have been amazed over and over by how much grace and forgiveness these toddlers extend.
So you see, sometimes, a broken heart is a good thing. Sometimes, it lends clarity to change that needs to happen. Take time fellow MaMa to give yourself grace, ask for God's wisdom, thank him for your precious gifts. And, then, start tomorrow fresh. God will enable us both to do the job He has set before us. He will enable us to be enough if we are willing to be broken hearted and humble.
Psalm 34:17-19 NASB
"17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
I'm fighting to show them all how much I love them and I feel like I fail every day. I want so badly for all the gaps to be filled. For them not to notice that there's less of my time and less of me to go around. But, they notice. Today, my three year old napped on the couch while I nursed the twins. He had just asked me to snuggle him. He needed and wanted my touch, my love, and, I was unable to give it. He fell asleep waiting for me. It broke my heart to know he missed me and there was nothing I could do.
A little later my oldest said to me, "Remember how it's hard having two babies Mommy? I'm trying. Do you want to see this? Can you come with me a minute?" My heart broke again. This time, I was able. So I looked him in the eye, cupped his face in my hands and kissed that sweet face. Then answered, "Sure, what do you want to show me?" His small hand slipped into mine and I realized how very little this grown up 4 (almost 5) year old still is. He still needs and wants his MaMa. He simply wanted to show me which DVD he would like to watch, and offered that I could start it and then I would be able to get some work done. (I didn't jump into work right away. I sat with him for a few minutes first.)
At bedtime, I was so very thankful that I had help. The twins kept fussing and needed burped and nursed a lot. I kept hearing their cries, and I KNEW they were in fully capable hands, but I also knew they needed to nurse again. So, I told the older two that I needed to go and take care of them and didn't have time for a long snuggle tonight. (Next time, I will snuggle them first. Because they will remember this and the twins won't.) My oldest said, "I'm sorry I took too long getting ready so we couldn't snuggle." My heart broke again. He thinks it's his fault that I don't have time. He's trying so hard. I see him. I see how hard he tries. He just wants to tell me about his day. And, he feels like it's his fault that I can't do that. My three year old, simply asks in a longing voice, "Why I can't get a snuggle Mommy?" My heart broke again. He still just wants his MaMa's love and touch. And, once again, I was not able to give it to him.
I WILL figure this out. We WILL make it through this. And, they WILL know they are loved. I'm not going to stay here in this broken hearted place over not being able to be in so many places at once. I'm going to look at how the day went, beg God for His wisdom, grace and strength for tomorrow, thank Him for these 4 precious gifts, and set in place a plan that will empower me to do just a little bit better tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to start by getting up and telling my boys how much I love them. Then, I am going to look them in the eye, and tell them that I am sorry I missed out on so many snuggles, and time with them yesterday and for so many days before that. Then, I am going to let them know that I want to have special time with them each day. Sometimes, the best I can do is to humble myself, say I am sorry, and ask for a fresh start. I have been amazed over and over by how much grace and forgiveness these toddlers extend.
So you see, sometimes, a broken heart is a good thing. Sometimes, it lends clarity to change that needs to happen. Take time fellow MaMa to give yourself grace, ask for God's wisdom, thank him for your precious gifts. And, then, start tomorrow fresh. God will enable us both to do the job He has set before us. He will enable us to be enough if we are willing to be broken hearted and humble.
Psalm 34:17-19 NASB
"17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all."
But the LORD delivers him out of them all."
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